Thursday, July 17, 2008

Forest

I needed to escape.

Typical young teenager. Angry at everything, fueled by testosterone and a desire to find myself. Some parts of my life were fucked up, some parts I just imagined were. At times I'd get so furious, when I clenched my fists my nails would cut into my palms. When I had to work at not raising my arms to hit that's when I knew I had to visited my forest.

I walked past the developed houses. Walked past the ideal "perfect homes". Walked passed anything that reminded me where I was at. There was a small patch of trees past it all that was going be torn down soon for more perfect homes, but I could enjoy it for a while longer.

At the center of it there was a chalk white, circular stone for me to sit on. Fallen twigs mixed in with the orange and red leaves surrounding the rock. A moat of sort. The dark brown trees were thick enough to block anyone from seeing me, like giant protective sentries.

Burying my head in my hands, I'd stop pulling my hair. A calmness would come over me. I'd listen to movements of the few remaining creatures. Feel an ant crawl up my leg and not even care.

After a bit of peace I could come back home, good as new.

_____________________

"I'm going to open up a business with some awesome product. I'm going to start in some Podunk town and then once it's profitable I'm going to expand..."
----
"Your grades aren't good enough to get into a top law school so you probably won't get into a great firm. What are you going to do after attending the lesser law school?"

He barely even considers what I've said before replying, "Well, I'll probably just open my own firm. Then I can just expand and get tons of money. I need the money because I want a really big family..."

These are my friends. Verbatim. With semi-rich parents they have aspirations of great wealth and power because that's what they think they're supposed to do. Since it's not a self realized desire they have no heart in it. They have no enthusiasm in what they do. They don't think their interests can be compatible with their careers. They think happiness is college -> business/law school -> accomplished life.

The reasons why they are like this have already been expanded upon. Whether it's fear of failing, not following through with their passions or being scared of success, my friends encapsulate what my generation is going through.

I've tried to help. I've given them as much material as I possibly could, but nothing has gotten to them. They blow me off like I'm naive or idealistic saying they've "got it figured out." Perhaps I'm failing in selling the idea correctly or maybe no one could yell loud enough for them to hear.

Maybe it's not my place to try to change their course, but it's terrible to watch. They're not smart enough to simply coast through college with A's and accomplish their "goals". They don't really care about what they want so they're not willing to put forth the effort. One has already failed a semester and is trying to raise his GPA to stay in school. Inevitable they will eventually crash into their built up illusions of the "right" life. I can only hope they can discover themselves and pick up the wreckage.


The sad truth is that my friends and this environment are my forest now.

Trees never moved me. Roots, branches and leaves never made me change. My forest was a place of stagnation that perhaps only Thoreau could make anything out of it. It was a place where I could heal before heading out to what mattered. I went there to escape the pressure of an overbearing life. Now I feel trapped in it. My forest was once my fortress and now it's my prison.

I'm trying to escape.

Again.


No comments: